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Tilda Swinton is ‘storytelling ape’ in new film with Idris Elba

Tilda’s dreaming of genies

Idris Elba’s now in everything. He’s only missed kicking with the Rockettes. In his “Three Thousand Years of Longing” he plays a genie who Tilda Swinton frees.

OK? We clear with that?

Elba: “Being immortal, it’s uncharacteristic for him to fall in love and share human emotion.” What that means exactly, who knows. I haven’t seen it. I’m still watching old Tom Mix Westerns.

Swinton plays the egghead “narratologist” who studies life through the ages, then goes for the big guy, then says: “Homo sapiens should rather be homo-narrans because storytelling apes are really what we are.”

OK? We clear on that?

And if you get all this you’re a better person than I am Gunga Din.

Monster mash

ANOTHER head scratcher’s “Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.” It tested at — ready? — nerdfest Comic-Con. Paramount’s withholding it until next year. Hugh Grant: “I never played a monster before. I’m happy that at least young audiences recognized me and knew who I was. That was a relief” . . . MEANWHILE, Rep. Ritchie Torres doing bicep curls at his Bronx neighborhood’s Planet Fitness . . . STAN Harrison, side man who’s recorded with Bowie, Springsteen, Radiohead, now making music inside Downstairs at Bond 45.

Hugh Grant during the filming for the Graham Norton Show at BBC Studioworks 6 Television Centre, Wood Lane, London.
Hugh Grant plays a Rogue in “Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.”
Matt Crossick/PA Wire via ZUMA Press

Walled in (and out)

WITH talks on between Israel and Gaza, rules are the following cannot be brought into Jerusalem’s Western Wall complex:

Sharp tools, including those of an officiant at a bris.

Balloons or pyrotechnics

Musical instruments


Doves to be released

Any kind of signs

Equipment for event production

Animals, other than guide dogs

The Shofar, except during specific holidays

Now hair’s the thing

MONKEYPOX, chickenpox, coronapox, a pox on all pox has triggered new coifs. Hairdresser Federico says blonds now opt for au naturel. Gray heads are going lavender or green. Straight wants curly. Long hair’s hacked off although women are cranky about it, which, I guess, maybe means Hell hath no fury like a woman shorned.

Bye-bye Bidens

I TAKE no sides. My side is the United States of America. I only ask that, since Washington’s too busy to do anything actually for the people — like on poverty, lawlessness, homelessness, immigration, coronaviruses, climate change, prison reform, infrastructure, jobs, unemployment, the useless presidency and vice presidency, so are these people too busy to handle Hunter Biden, Joe Biden and Jim Biden?

President Joe Biden with first lady Jill Biden waves as they walk on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, upon arrival from a trip to visit flood affected areas in Kentucky, Monday, Aug. 8, 2022.
The Biden presidency has been plagued with family scandals.
AP/Manuel Balce Ceneta

THIS guy’s 9-to-5 sidewalk job is soliciting handouts. Last week he was asked, “Need something?”

He replied: “Sandwich. I want a turkey club.” It cost $18 and, like take-out, they delivered it to him.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

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